I got this from a Wired Article:
“A commenter on our 2000 Vaporware awards joked that Van Halen would reunite with David Lee Roth and release a new album before Duke Nukem Forever hits the shelves. Ironically, the re-formed band plans to head into the studio in just a few months. Reader Tiberian Fiend, who pointed this out to us, says, “Old jokes become sad reality as development on Duke Nukem Forever trudges on….“
But they (3Drealms) did release a video this week:
Hail to the king baby!
I received this e-mail today if I knew where it originally came from I would give credit where credit is due.
A Thanksgiving Funny
In a few days, all America will be celebrating the holiday of Thanksgiving, or as it is known outside the United States, “Thursday.”
Families separated for months or years will reunite, and shortly afterwards they will remember why they separated. In a darkened gymnasium, Richard Simmons will run his revenue projections and consider buying a small Caribbean island.
Throughout the nation, those wretched souls condemned to the public school system will breathe a bit easier, eager in their anticipation of four days surcease from education.
(The students are pretty happy about it, too.)
Yet running through this gaiety is an undercurrent of bewilderment. In this decadent age we live in, far too many of our unlettered countrymen think Plymouth Rock a music style from the ’70s, or the Mayflower a potpourri ingredient. Accordingly, in the best traditions of journalistic public service and overweening arrogance, my column this frosty morn shall be dedicated to answering your questions about Thanksgiving.
Q. Gosh, you’re right. I, the average reader, am dumb as a post. What exactly are the origins of Thanksgiving?
A. Thanksgiving is, of course, a holiday invented by grocers and farmers to allow them to sell huge quantities of disgusting “traditional” foods that no one in his right mind would eat otherwise, such as squash. The average squash is a triumph of minimalism wherein Nature manages to convert mud into a plant without bothering to change its taste and texture. Attempts to improve the mud-like flavor of squash by the addition of delicate seasonings and spices have produced dishes that taste, at best, like delicately seasoned and spiced mud. A master chef, faced with the necessity of making a palatable squash dish, would throw in his funny hat and become a short-order cook at Denny’s.
Q. That’s quite a conspiracy theory. Where do the Black Helicopters fit in?
A. They transport the squash.
Q. I should have guessed. But seriously, what are the origins of Thanksgiving?
A. The first Thanksgiving was a celebration of gratitude by a group of early English settlers known as the Pilgrims. The Pilgrims were Separatists who had come to the New World to practice their religion without government interference, and since the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms did not exist at the time, they were allowed to do so.
Unfortunately, the Pilgrims neglected to acquire a few skills (such as elementary agronomy) before setting off on their voyage, and as a result they nearly starved. The local Indians, who at the time were practicing their ancient sustenance methods of hunting and fishing, took pity on the Pilgrims and taught them to farm the native flora. In a display of appreciation, when the first harvest was taken in, the Pilgrims held a huge feast and invited the Indians over for dinner, after which they all fell asleep on couches while watching football.
Q. OK, but when did Thanksgiving become a national holiday?
A. Thanksgiving Day was adopted as an annual holiday by New York State in 1817, marking the first official celebration of Thanksgiving as a regular event, and the last time a New Yorker said “thank you” for anything. In 1863, President Lincoln appointed a national day of thanksgiving, and every subsequent president has followed suit.
Q. Speaking of turkeys, is it true that Ben Franklin thought the turkey should have been our national bird instead of the eagle?
A. Ben Franklin was indeed a proponent of the turkey as our national bird. Since he was a member of the Hellfire Club at the time, though, his motives were somewhat suspect.
It must be kept in mind that the modern domestic turkey bears little resemblance to its feral ancestors. The wild turkey is a cunning and elusive survivor, a challenging quarry for the most skilled of hunters. Farm turkeys, on the other hand, have been selectively inbred for generations in an attempt to improve flavor and increase breast meat production. These efforts have had numerous side effects on the birds in question, including reduced intelligence, difficulty in maintaining balance, and the creation of the Spice Girls.
Q. Is there a final message you would like to give to your readers on this Thanksgiving Day?
A. Enjoy your Thanksgiving dinner. You can have my squash.
LEGAL REVENGE AGAINST SPAM SNAIL-MAILERS
Tired of receiving mounds of unsolicited letters and offers in the mail? Want to fight back? Want to get rid of that old tire in your garage that the garbage man won't take? Then read on......
If you're curious why this document was developed, it was due to the hundreds of unsolicited letters sent to me by a very annoying company called MCI. They love to mail people unsolicited letters 1-2 times per week despite requesting to be taken off their mailing lists. Well, here's a completely LEGAL way to fight back against idiots like MCI. You can mail their junk back to them for FREE using their own postage-paid envelopes. The only catch is that it will be attached to 50 lbs of additional junk you've gathered from around your house (rocks, bricks, old shingles, etc.). This works, so please read on....
Step 1 - Take those annoying postage-paid envelopes that you get in the mail and stuff them full of any garbage you may have (other envelopes, dinner scraps, etc.). Whatever trash you can squeeze into the envelope will mean less trash you have to take out to the curb later in the week. Feel free to include any original forms that the spammer sent you that includes your name and address, so they can perhaps take you off their mailing lists.
Step 2 - Find an old box that can hold a considerable amount of junk (or weight). Make sure the junk you'll be mailing back can fit inside. Don't use your favorite box, as the recipient will probably not mail the items back to you...
Step 3 - You'll be mailing your postage-paid packages via the United States Postal Service (USPS). The USPS says that you can use a postage-paid envelope attached to any object or package (no dead animals, bombs, etc.) as long as it weighs no more than 72 lbs. Be sure to maximize the weight of your package, within limits, for the ultimate effect and cost to the spammer. Old tires are great objects to send since the garbage man usually won't take them!!! Shingles, tires, rocks, bricks, and basically any form of junk will work just fine. You can even tape the envelope to a large rock if you want.....it's all LEGAL.
Step 4 - Insert your junk object into the box. If there is any extra room, and you have not exceeded the 72 lb maximum, but sure to insert more junk. Check your kitchen trash can for old milk cartons or opened cans. Perhaps, even some large rocks from your driveway will fill the voids?
Step 5 - Neatly seal the box with packing tape. If you've stuffed your package with objects like shingles, which tend to shred into small pieces and fall out of the cracks, be sure you've sealed the entire box. Try to secure any loose objects that may cause the guy at the Post Office to get too suspicious. They'll already be very curious why you're mailing this type of package. If they try to give you a hard time, be sure to advise them that this is totally legal and you have the right to do so as long as you are within USPS guidelines. Any postage-paid envelope is legal.
Step 6 - If you just so happen to receive unsolicited mail from MCI, be sure to join my crusade to make them stop the junk mailings that clutter our mailboxes. Mail that postage-paid envelope back to them either attached to a 72 lb rock, or just by itself (stuffed with as many old torn envelopes as possible). Either way, it'll go back to the sender at their expense. You won't have to take out as much trash this week, and you'll feel good knowing you've perhaps given a signal to the spam mailers worldwide who clutter our mailboxes with their unwanted garbage. Hey, if you're mailing one back to MCI, be sure to tell them I sent you....and give them all my love.
Step 7 - Secure the postage-paid envelope to the box with packing tape. For some extra laughs, tell all your friends what you're planning to do. Email them this document so they can share in the fun.
Step 8 - Take one last look at the final package before you make your way to the post office. Laugh out loud and then tell more of your friends what you're about to do.
Step 9 - Take the package to any post office in the United States. Smile and hand the person at the desk your package. Tell them this is a postage-paid package and they'll haul it off to the backroom. From there, it'll be sent back to those mass-mailing idiots where they'll have to dispose of your garbage. Pat yourself on the back for doing your good deed for the day. Repeat process when required. Enjoy.
If you mail the spammer enough times, they may take you off their mailing list. They may also call your local Post Office to ban you from any further postage-paid mailings to them if you include your name and address anywhere on or in the package, so if you enjoy this type of revenge, keep it anonymous. After I mailed MCI six packages (tires, shingles, rocks, etc.), they banned me from mailing postage-paid packages from my local post office, but I can still drive 1 mile to the next post office with no problems.
Please notice the unlocked Ipod in the video
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6.
I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User…..
___________________ __________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfrie nd 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear”
to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 ! and Do Bills 4.2 .
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Now I already hate mustangs – but this one is a modern monstrosity.
To my friends with Children: Why parents drink The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not “Is your daddy home?” he asked. ” Yes ,” whispered the small voice. The child whispered, ” No .” Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is “May I talk with her?” Again the small voice whispered, ” No .” Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the ” Yes ,” whispered the child, ” a policeman “. Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss ” No, he’s busy “, whispered the child. “Busy doing what?” ” Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,” came the whispered Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background ” A helicopter ” answered the whispering voice. “What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, ” The search team just landed Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… “
phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main
computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a
child’s whisper. ” Hello ? “
May I talk with him?”
your Mommy there?” ” Yes .”
boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”
asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
answer.
through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
a helicopter .”
they searching for?”
ME .”
To my friends with Children: Why parents drink The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not “Is your daddy home?” he asked. ” Yes ,” whispered the small voice. The child whispered, ” No .” Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is “May I talk with her?” Again the small voice whispered, ” No .” Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the ” Yes ,” whispered the child, ” a policeman “. Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss ” No, he’s busy “, whispered the child. “Busy doing what?” ” Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,” came the whispered Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background ” A helicopter ” answered the whispering voice. “What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, ” The search team just landed Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… “
phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main
computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a
child’s whisper. ” Hello ? “
May I talk with him?”
your Mommy there?” ” Yes .”
boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”
asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
answer.
through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
a helicopter .”
they searching for?”
ME .”
